Wednesday [homeward bound]

March 26, 2008

I spent today in Wicker Park. I walked around and got coffee and browsed lots of second hand shops. I picked up a few great things even though I was trying not to buy anything; I did not want anything else I would have to carry home. I had a wonderful lunch at a place with lots of vegan options. The restaurant is called Earwax which does not sound nearly as appetizing as the black bean burger they served me for lunch. A worker there found in strange that I was dining alone and we struck up a conversation. He was very cute and he asked me if I’d ever thought about moving to Chicago. I told him that the thought had crossed my mind and that practically the whole world was an option for me right now. He seemed to understand what it was like to be having a vocational crisis and reminded me that it is pretty unrealistic to plan one’s life in a week or two and he made me feel like I was going to be okay.

I took the L back to Logan Square and got my things together and said goodbye to my cousin Derek who was working in his office upstairs. I carted my backpack and my shoulder bag and my beautiful suitcase back to the station and headed downtown. More luggage lugging. Upon arrival at Union Station I was tired and a little hot and sweaty. I got my ticket and sat down and waited and now I am on the train.

There is a man talking very loudly and he is irritating me. I read for a while and I ate the salad I brought along for dinner and now I am bored and I am still not sure if I want to be going home. I told my mom today that I am not yet weary of living out of a suitcase and sleeping on other people’s floors and couches. Tomorrow morning I go back to working and I fear reality will hit me like a slap in the face the moment I wake to my alarm. Maybe I will set my phone to play Joy to the World at 8 am; I always choose that song for my alarm on mornings I do not want to have. It is like an extra slap in the face but always makes me laugh and sometimes helps me take the morning I bit lighter.

I am trying to evaluate the things that I want to come home to, like my sewing machine and my family and my dear friends and watching Spring come into being. I am trying to evaluate the things I dread coming home to, like deciding whether to keep my job at my church for next year and having to put gas in my car and feeling the weight of broken relationships. I am trying to evaluate which things in my life I should fight for and which things I should let slip away and move on from.