lost and found.

Today i slept in at least an hour too late. I have been fighting a cold and my body has not been wanting to move in the early morning hours. Once i was up and had my coffee and spent a little time with God i tried to get on with the work of my day.

Unfortunately, i could not find my planner. My planner contained the list i had made earlier in the week which would tell me all the things i had not done earlier in the week and had to do today. I was lost without this list. I searched the apartment. I thought maybe i left it in the Pavilion but i could not find my Pavilion key. I generally do not loose things and today i felt like i had lost them all.

I went next door to get a spare key to the Pavilion and as i walked by the room dedicated to prayer, i felt like i should go in. I felt like maybe it was okay that i had lost my to-do list and that i should just spend some time in the prayer room even though it was already after 11 am. I did not open the door and go inside. I borrowed a key and searched the Pavilion and my planner was not there. I was mad.

I did not want to go in the prayer room. I did not want to "waste" any more time today. But when i passed it again i walked in anyways. I read the things people have written on the walls. I felt peace enter my body. I told God that i love him and for a few brief moments i let love be enough. I found a marker and i found some blank space on the paper covered walls and i wrote the words "lost and found". When i returned to the apartment i found my planner in a silly place and i thanked God for finding me in silly places too on the days when i get lost.

yellow flowers

As I walked home from the store today I noticed that the trees in the park are budding. As I sat on my roof and winded down the day I noticed that the trees by my house are budding too. I realize that I notice much more when I walk places instead of drive and when I sit outside instead of inside my house. I made a very tasty coconut curry and rice dish for everyone for dinner and strawberry shortcake too. It tasted better when I ate it slow and because I was sharing with people I love. My friend’s 8 year old daughter always prays before the meals we share. She always says something like “dear Jesus thank you for making dinner and thank you for loving us”. I like the idea of being Jesus’ hands and feet in the world and I like the idea of Jesus making dinner for my friends through my own two hands.

The park is full of daffodils and I picked some and filled the vase that I almost smashed a month ago and I cannot help but feel full of hope because it is finally Spring.

cops and drunks

Last nite I called the cops for the second time since living on Bridge Street. The first time was one of the first days I lived here. My computer had been stolen out of the apartment while I was still in the process of moving in. I remember the officer who came out; he was very nice and told me I could probably find my computer in a pawn shop. I never did find it.

Last nite I came home and it was late and I got out of my car and saw a person laying half on the sidewalk by the park across the street. I saw the person move and my heart moved too but I was too afraid to go over there alone. I called my neighbor Zechariah. He was the only person I could think of that would not hate me for calling so late and might even help me help this person. He was still awake and did not hate me for calling but was not home and could not help me. I went inside and looked out my window and I was scared. I almost started weeping because I was looking out the window and not helping. I felt detached and inhumane. I could not find the non emergency number for the police and so I called 911. The first responders were there in about five minutes. Their truck was blocking my view but a few moments later I saw the first responders leave and a very drunk man stumble away down the sidewalk. The man did not look very well or stable and I knew that it would have been foolish for me to try and help him alone; but I still felt sick in my insides because I had watched a crumpled figure on the sidewalk from my window. I had wasted the time of the firemen. And I do not think that I was Jesus to the man on the sidewalk.

I wonder what it means to be moved to mercy and compassion and how that fits in with safety and reason.

I am going out of town again tomorrow. This time to Kentucky. This time it will not be a vacation.