lost and found.

Today i slept in at least an hour too late. I have been fighting a cold and my body has not been wanting to move in the early morning hours. Once i was up and had my coffee and spent a little time with God i tried to get on with the work of my day.

Unfortunately, i could not find my planner. My planner contained the list i had made earlier in the week which would tell me all the things i had not done earlier in the week and had to do today. I was lost without this list. I searched the apartment. I thought maybe i left it in the Pavilion but i could not find my Pavilion key. I generally do not loose things and today i felt like i had lost them all.

I went next door to get a spare key to the Pavilion and as i walked by the room dedicated to prayer, i felt like i should go in. I felt like maybe it was okay that i had lost my to-do list and that i should just spend some time in the prayer room even though it was already after 11 am. I did not open the door and go inside. I borrowed a key and searched the Pavilion and my planner was not there. I was mad.

I did not want to go in the prayer room. I did not want to "waste" any more time today. But when i passed it again i walked in anyways. I read the things people have written on the walls. I felt peace enter my body. I told God that i love him and for a few brief moments i let love be enough. I found a marker and i found some blank space on the paper covered walls and i wrote the words "lost and found". When i returned to the apartment i found my planner in a silly place and i thanked God for finding me in silly places too on the days when i get lost.

yellow flowers

As I walked home from the store today I noticed that the trees in the park are budding. As I sat on my roof and winded down the day I noticed that the trees by my house are budding too. I realize that I notice much more when I walk places instead of drive and when I sit outside instead of inside my house. I made a very tasty coconut curry and rice dish for everyone for dinner and strawberry shortcake too. It tasted better when I ate it slow and because I was sharing with people I love. My friend’s 8 year old daughter always prays before the meals we share. She always says something like “dear Jesus thank you for making dinner and thank you for loving us”. I like the idea of being Jesus’ hands and feet in the world and I like the idea of Jesus making dinner for my friends through my own two hands.

The park is full of daffodils and I picked some and filled the vase that I almost smashed a month ago and I cannot help but feel full of hope because it is finally Spring.

cops and drunks

Last nite I called the cops for the second time since living on Bridge Street. The first time was one of the first days I lived here. My computer had been stolen out of the apartment while I was still in the process of moving in. I remember the officer who came out; he was very nice and told me I could probably find my computer in a pawn shop. I never did find it.

Last nite I came home and it was late and I got out of my car and saw a person laying half on the sidewalk by the park across the street. I saw the person move and my heart moved too but I was too afraid to go over there alone. I called my neighbor Zechariah. He was the only person I could think of that would not hate me for calling so late and might even help me help this person. He was still awake and did not hate me for calling but was not home and could not help me. I went inside and looked out my window and I was scared. I almost started weeping because I was looking out the window and not helping. I felt detached and inhumane. I could not find the non emergency number for the police and so I called 911. The first responders were there in about five minutes. Their truck was blocking my view but a few moments later I saw the first responders leave and a very drunk man stumble away down the sidewalk. The man did not look very well or stable and I knew that it would have been foolish for me to try and help him alone; but I still felt sick in my insides because I had watched a crumpled figure on the sidewalk from my window. I had wasted the time of the firemen. And I do not think that I was Jesus to the man on the sidewalk.

I wonder what it means to be moved to mercy and compassion and how that fits in with safety and reason.

I am going out of town again tomorrow. This time to Kentucky. This time it will not be a vacation.

all i know all i need to know

And what does the LORD require of you?

To Act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.

[Micah 6:8]

“And now, O Israel, what does the LORD your God ask of you but to fear the LORD your God, to walk in all his ways, to love him, to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to observe the LORD’s commands and decrees that I am giving you today for your own good?” [Deuteronomy 10:12-13]

“Does the LORD delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as much as in obeying the voice of the LORD? To obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed is better than the fat of rams.” [1 Samuel 15:22]

“Because your heart was responsive and you humbled yourself before the LORD when you heard what I have spoken against this place and its people, that they would become accursed and laid waste, and because you tore your robes and wept in my presence, I have heard you, declares the LORD.” [2 Kings 22:19]

“Stop doing wrong, learn to do right! Seek justice, encourage the oppressed. Defend the cause of the fatherless, plead the case of the widow.” [Isaiah 1:17

“For this is what the high and lofty One says- he who lives forever, whose name is holy: I live in a high and holy place, but also with him who is contrite and lowly in spirit, to revive the head of the contrite.” [Isaiah 57:15]

“This is what the LORD says: Do what is just and right. Rescue from the hand of his oppressor the one who has been robbed. Do no wrong or violence to the alien, the fatherless or the widow, and do not shed innocent blood in this place.” [Jeremiah 22:3]

“For I desire mercy, not sacrifice, and acknowledgment of God rather than burnt offerings.” [Hosea 6:6]

“This is what the LORD Almighty says: ‘Administer true justice, show mercy and compassion to one another. Do not oppress the widow or the fatherless, the alien or the poor. In your hearts do not think evil of each other.’” [Zechariah 7:9-10]

“Go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice.’ For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.” [Matthew 9:13]

“Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You give a tenth of your spices – mint, dill and cumin. But you have neglected the more important matters of justice, mercy, and faithfulness. You should have practiced the latter, without neglecting the former.” [Matthew 23:23]

“To love him with all your heart, with all your understanding and with all your strength, and to love your neighbor as yourself is more important than all burnt offerings and sacrifices.” [Mark 12:33]

Wednesday [homeward bound]

March 26, 2008

I spent today in Wicker Park. I walked around and got coffee and browsed lots of second hand shops. I picked up a few great things even though I was trying not to buy anything; I did not want anything else I would have to carry home. I had a wonderful lunch at a place with lots of vegan options. The restaurant is called Earwax which does not sound nearly as appetizing as the black bean burger they served me for lunch. A worker there found in strange that I was dining alone and we struck up a conversation. He was very cute and he asked me if I’d ever thought about moving to Chicago. I told him that the thought had crossed my mind and that practically the whole world was an option for me right now. He seemed to understand what it was like to be having a vocational crisis and reminded me that it is pretty unrealistic to plan one’s life in a week or two and he made me feel like I was going to be okay.

I took the L back to Logan Square and got my things together and said goodbye to my cousin Derek who was working in his office upstairs. I carted my backpack and my shoulder bag and my beautiful suitcase back to the station and headed downtown. More luggage lugging. Upon arrival at Union Station I was tired and a little hot and sweaty. I got my ticket and sat down and waited and now I am on the train.

There is a man talking very loudly and he is irritating me. I read for a while and I ate the salad I brought along for dinner and now I am bored and I am still not sure if I want to be going home. I told my mom today that I am not yet weary of living out of a suitcase and sleeping on other people’s floors and couches. Tomorrow morning I go back to working and I fear reality will hit me like a slap in the face the moment I wake to my alarm. Maybe I will set my phone to play Joy to the World at 8 am; I always choose that song for my alarm on mornings I do not want to have. It is like an extra slap in the face but always makes me laugh and sometimes helps me take the morning I bit lighter.

I am trying to evaluate the things that I want to come home to, like my sewing machine and my family and my dear friends and watching Spring come into being. I am trying to evaluate the things I dread coming home to, like deciding whether to keep my job at my church for next year and having to put gas in my car and feeling the weight of broken relationships. I am trying to evaluate which things in my life I should fight for and which things I should let slip away and move on from.

Tuesday

March 25, 2008

I am in Chicago. A small piece of me died as we flew in and I saw a ground covered in white. Fortunately there really is not snow here in the city. And I actually broke a sweat walking on my way to my cousin’s house. I realized how exhausted I am and I am resting.

Yesterday was my last day in San Francisco. I began it with the unpleasant necessities of a load of laundry and making all of my possessions fit back inside of my suitcase. My luggage seemed to have expanded substantially and gotten considerably heavier. When I looked outside and could not bear to be out of direct sunlight for another moment, I gave up on packing and went to the Yerba Buena Gardens. I took a nap in the sunshine much like I did my first day in the city. I read and I prayed. I looked up at the beautiful blossoming tree and knew that there is no sense living an angry bitter life.

I forgave.

I read this really great piece in the book I am reading. It was about shalom.

“I believe life is a bottle rocket, a celebration, and it requires everything that we have, and it demands that we battle through fear and resentment, and it demands that we release our need to be the best, the prettiest, the most perfect and together, because the big thing, the forceful beautiful thing is happening already, all around us, and we might miss it if we’re too busy meeting our parents’ expectations or winning awards.

Shalom is happening all around us, but it never happens on its own. The best things never do happen on their own and shalom is the very best thing. In the same way that forgiveness never feels natural until after it’s done, and hope always feels impossible before we commit to it, in the same way that taking is easier than giving, and giving in is easier than getting up, in that same way, shalom never happens on its own.

It happens when we do the hardest work, the most secret struggle, the most demanding truth telling. In those moments of ferocity and fight, peace is born.”
[Shauna Niequist, Cold Tangerines]

And this is the sort of life that I hope to live. I hope to forgive and to hope and to give and to experience shalom. I do not know quite what this will look like, and I had hoped to have that figured out by now. But, I realize, I do not, and I am still okay. Late tomorrow nite I will find myself in my hometown, in my own bed, and I will still have questions. I will still be wondering what my life will look like one month, one year from now. And I will choose to find the beauty around me and I will choose to fight for this life I have been given.

Yesterday I went to the San Francisco Museum o f Modern Art and I was inspired. I walked to the Ferry Building and ate vegan things like tofu and seaweed and I bought some herbs to leave growing in Tim’s kitchen. I went back to Yerba Buena Gardens; I just could not resist lying in the restful sunshine in the green green grass. I bought a Slurpee from 7-11 but I was sick after about eight sips and I let it melt with me in the sunshine. I met Tim and we took the Muni and got off a stop too late and walked through Haight Ashbury and went to the Independent to see Eagle Seagull and Tokyo Police Club. I went to bed and got up early and took BART to the airport and a plane to Chicago and the blue line to my cousin’s neighborhood.

Linda and I and Luna went for a walk and then Linda and Derek and I had dinner at a place called Handle Bar and then for a drink at their neighborhood bar. I like Chicago and it is really not so cold here today and I love my cousins and they way they love each other like it’s for real.

Tomorrow I will spend the day in the city and then I will go home. I am returning with far fewer answers than I had hoped but I have to believe that I have succeeded in what I set out to do; I am reminded that the world is a big big place and I have seen more of it and have remembered small parts of who I am and who I want to be someday very soon.

sunday [Easter}

March 23, 2008

Easter Sunday. I was tired this morning. My coffee stop next door was closed. We went to church. I did not shower and I wore jeans and we were late. But the website had made this church sound very “seeker friendly” which I knew meant that I could get away with all of these things. I like the idea of a church that will accept a very unkempt me. The service was really interesting. The whole thing was a drama presentation of the Last Supper, ending in the resurrection. It felt a bit like “Jesus Christ Super Star”; I liked it but it was certainly an untraditional Easter. I wish I would have gotten myself to a sunrise service, I had heard of one. Public transportation in an unfamiliar place is a bit of a stretch at those sort of hours in the morning and I slept in instead.

We drove to Ocean Beach. I walked down to the ocean alone and put my feet in the water. It was freezing cold and I watched people and their dogs and I looked at stones and thought about how long it takes the waves to make them smooth. I picked up a very rough one to remind me that these rough stones will not always be so rough. I looked out at the ocean and I thanked God for the day and for raising his Son from death and I asked for answers about my life. And even though I did not get any answers I felt peace and maybe that is all I can hope for right now.

We walked up a big hill and had lunch at Cliff House. We drove into Golden Gate Park and walked through the Japanese tea garden and the botanical gardens and I wanted to lay in grass and sleep but we did not. I drove Tim’s car down Lombard Street.

Tonite we went out for Mediterranean food and to see Bon Iver play at the Independent. It was a wonderful meal and a wonderful show.